funny story

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while as I am a Gynaecologist.
(In fact, we had nearly called our hospital The ‘Holey’ Family hospital but are now waiting for our son to be a Proctologist and marry an urologist.)
This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A General Practitioner phoned me up and told me that she as sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.

“Please come in. Be seated.” I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. “Relax.”

“Doctor, will this hurt a lot?”

“Not at all.”

The patient relaxed visibly. “You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed.”

I was shocked. “Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications.”

“I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn’t budge.”

I smiled and said, “If it were that easy, who would need doctors?”

She gave a cute smile and said, “Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin.”

“Oh my God!”

“Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick.”

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

“Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?”

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, “There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night.”

Now it was the patient’s turn to be confused, “You mean to say that it happens only at night?”

I saw her point. “No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection.”

She was even more confused, “It depends on my moods?”

Again I saw her point. “My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens.”

“My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside.”

“You mean that pin man?”

“Yeah!”

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins. “You were wise not to heed his advice.”

“But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work.”

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

“But have you taken your husband’s permission?”

Now the patient looked confused. “Do I have to take my husband’s permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not able to meet for the last one year.”

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of ‘those’ cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. “No! No! The husband’s sign is not at all needed.”

“However, I did inform him on phone.”

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn’t know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. “Its good that you came a bit early.”

“Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work.”

“Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat.”

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, “You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days.”

By now, the poor patient was trembling, “how-H-How much bleeding?”

“Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so.”

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, “Why don’t you lie down on the examination table? Remove your underclothes and relax.”

This was the final straw. She didn’t even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.
Kishore Shah 1974

marrage

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…ok”

Men vs. Women

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

*******

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

*******

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

*******

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

*******

5. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman- before and after marriage.

*******

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

*******

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

*******

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

*******

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

*******

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

*******

Teacher Student Joke

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : “HIJKLMNO ! “!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it’s H to O !

************ *****

TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!

************ *****

TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell “crocodile”?
PAPPU : “K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L”

TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

************ *****

TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
PAPPU : I is…

TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, “I am.”
PAPPU : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

************ *****

TEACHER : “Can anybody give an example of ” COINCIDENCE?”

PAPPU : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

************ *****

TEACHER : “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

PAPPU : “Because George still had the axe in his hand?”

************ *****

PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

************ *****

TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !

PAPPU: Yes it’s really strange. I’ve got another pair just like that at home.

************ *****

TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?

PAPPU: No sir, I don’t have to , my mom is a good cook.

************ *****

TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as yourbrother’s. Did you copy his ?

PAPPU: No, teacher, it’s the same dog !

************ ****

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PAPPU: A teacher

School

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON: “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON: “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM: “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON: “Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?”

;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;;
;
;
;
;
;

;

;

;

;

;

;



MOM: “One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school

The case was dismissed

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus.

She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing …. …….. ….She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’ .

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,

Which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick ‘.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,

Which read: ‘ Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’

And The case was dismissed… …..!!!

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling Too hot that morning anyway.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife Would be pleasant and say  Happy Birthday ,

And would probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say  Good Morning , Let alone any ? Happy Birthday.

I thought,  Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said,  Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.

So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday,

let’s go to lunch, just you and me. I said,  By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go;

We went out into the country to a little private place.

We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it’s such a beautiful day.

We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?

I said,  No, I guess not. She said, Let’s go to my apartment.

After arriving at her apartment she said,  Boss, if you don’t mind,

I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.

?Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,

In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,

Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday And there on the couch I sat… Naked.

*********

Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ”Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

”I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.”

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ”Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch…. ”.

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

”Sh*t” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. …

**********

Management lessons

Lesson One…

An eagle was sitting on a tree… just resting… doing nothing. A rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing”? The eagle answered, “Sure, why not”? So the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management principle number one: To sit around doing nothing, you better be sitting very, very, high up.

Lesson Two…

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven’t got the energy,” sighed the turkey. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” suggested the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients”.
The turkey pecked at a lump of that and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more, he reached the second branch.
Finally, on the fifth day, he found himself proudly perched at the very top.
There, he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson Number Two…Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Three…

A little bird was flying South for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird’s wings froze and he fell to the ground in a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dropping on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of that, it began to realize how warm it was; that was actually thawing him out.
The bird lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird’s song and came to investigate.
The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dropping and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lessons three, four and five…

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

When you’re in deep shit it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

ECONOMICS

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

*INDIAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You worship them.

* PAKISTAN ECONOMICS*
You don’t have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
Britain for warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
France for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and
Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world

*AMERICAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will
be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

* FRENCH ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

*GERMAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month
and milk themselves.

*BRITISH ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
They are both mad.

*ITALIAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

*SWISS ECONOMICS *
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

*JAPANESE ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.

*CHINESE ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone
reporting the actual numbers.

*RUSSIAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and lear

Software Engineer and three computers

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers.

The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual,the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer ?”

Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at! all!!” finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?”

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!”.

So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

Moral: If you’re not up-to-date with technology trends, it’s better keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

keep smiling…

joke 3 wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.  Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. ” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and
what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack!”

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don’t mess with them!

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!

Male readers:
Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story:
Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart!

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour!

Daughter-in-Law’s DELIGHT !

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.   So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from,  and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.  After all, this was a very  delicate  matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new  face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly  repay  you?’

‘My darling,’ she replied,’ I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you  on the cheek.

f***k joke

It is one of the most beautiful words.The English language should be proud of it. I don’t think any other language has such a beautiful word.
One Tom from California has done some great research on it. I think he must be the famous Tom of Tom, Dick and Harry fame.
He says:
One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word ‘f***k’.
It is one magical word: just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.
In language it falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f***ked Mary)
and intransitive (Mary was f***ked by John),
and as a noun (Mary is a fine f***k).
It can be used as an adjective (Mary is f***king beautiful).
As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of ‘f***k’.
Besides the sexual meaning, there are also the following uses:
Fraud: I got f***ked at the used car lot.
Ignorance: f***ked if I know.
Trouble: I guess I am f***ked now!
Aggression: f***k you!
Displeasure: What the f***k is going on here?
Difficulty: I can’t understand this f***king job.
Incompetence: He is a f***k-off.
Suspicion: What the f***k are you doing?
Enjoyment: I had a f***king good time.
Request: Get the f***k out of here!
Hostility: I am going to knock your f***king head off!
Greeting: How the f***k are you?
Apathy: Who gives a f***k?
Innovation: Get a bigger f***king hammer.
Surprise: f***k! You scared the shit out of me!
Anxiety: Today is really f***ked.
And it is very healthy too.
If every morning you do it as a Transcendental Meditation — just when you get up, the first thing, repeat the mantra “f***k you!” five times — it clears the throat. That’s how I keep my throat clear! Enough for today.